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Shaming Primate Ryan
Empathy is like Rohypnol, I have both in abundance.
As a result, I feel for you, my loyal reader, as your life lacks any real meaning due to the lack of recent articles from the web’s hardest-hitting betting correspondent.
I can now reveal that I was subject to a super injunction forbidding me from sharing my wit and considerable wisdom. Legally, I’m not allowed to name the plaintiffs who arranged for this callous act of totalitarian censorship, so let’s just call them ‘ringtone-rectum’, ‘mature-mott-man’ and ‘fat-fuck’.
Being a noble law-abiding citizen, I had to obey the court order. Also, looking as attractive as I do, I couldn’t risk a prison sentence as I would have got ‘ashleyed’ in the shower.
Ironically, I am free to write about matters concerning other injunctions. I can exclusively reveal the name of the actor who slept with that prostitute. It was Didier Drogba.
I was more surprised when I heard about Ryan Giggs hiding it up Imogen Thomas. Not because he’s supposedly a family-man, it was more to do with her being quite cute, while he has the appearance of an overly-hairy troglodyte.
If you believe the Giggs camp, there’s a question mark over Imogen’s morality. They claim she’s had more footballers under her than Alex Ferguson.
It doesn’t seem fair that Giggs can make spurious allegations while Imogen remains legally gagged. I haven’t seen such an outrageously one-sided display of total domination since the Champions League final.
Imogen should consider replacing her ineffective legal team. I speak from an inside position here, as I’ve been sniffing around her briefs.
After the Imogen story broke, it was then revealed that Giggs had slept with his brother’s wife and paid £500 for an abortion. That was a monkey down the drain, quite literally.
If further proof were needed of Giggs being a complete tool, it was provided when he attempted to sue Twitter. It was an act of gross stupidity to take on something so huge, as I discovered when I allowed Karren Brady on top.
The Twitterati were quick to name and shame Giggs - well ‘name him’ anyway. He wouldn’t feel shame even if he was caught attempting to penetrate his father-in-law with his recently acquired deceased foetus.
Even Rio Ferdinand and Wayne Rooney are regular tweeters. It was quite ironic how Rooney was showing off his new follicles as Giggs was disposing of his heir.
Giggs should look to Manchester United’s new transfer targets as a potential life-lesson. Nasri doesn’t always shoot and you always look after your Young. Fergie has chosen wisely; Man U will retain the league at 2/1.
