My Bart Will Go On (All Fours)
I’m the kind of guy who tries to see both sides in an argument. I remember when I saw a drunken man beating up his wife; I looked at the dispute from all angles before helping him out.
As a result of my noble philosophy, I won’t be joining in with the reactionaries who are crucifying Joey Barton for his assault on Gervinho and subsequent dive. Instead, I’ve looked for the reasons behind Joey’s behaviour, and I’ve concluded that his anger is born of built-up homosexual tension.
Barton’s problems began when he was sent to prison for brawling outside a McDonalds. Joey was understandably angry when the restaurant ran out of food; on reflection he should never have queued up behind Karren Brady.
Joey remained upbeat at the start of his sentence, as it was practically a family reunion. Eventually though, he fell upon hard times: Winston Times from Peckham.
Barton’s ex-cellmate (who wishes to remain anonymous) told me that Winston first made his move in the showers. After that, Barton would try to get a wash in eleven times a day.
The con claimed that Joey never complained about his predicament. “He was a proper Brit and kept a stiff up a lip”
My source continued: “I made the mistake of snapping at Barton once as he was reminiscing about the encounter. I don’t know what came over me.”
My theory of Barton’s homosexuality is not solely based on the word of a convicted criminal. Barton once showed his backside to Everton fans; a witness described it as looking at ‘The Grand Canyon’.
The clues have always been there. When he put a cigar out in someone’s eyes, it wasn’t an act of violence, he was just sharing the fact that he likes to suck on a fat one.
I just can’t buy into the alternative theory that Barton is a tough guy. I remember when Alan Shearer fronted him and Barton’s arsehole collapsed; which is ironic considering the amount of exercise it’s had.
Joey has even dropped a few hints about his sexuality on social networking sites. He tweeted “Alex Song’s tackle left a nasty taste in my mouth.”
Barton probably remains in the closet because of his tough upbringing. He wasn’t born with a silver spoon in his mouth, although ironically when at prison his mouth would host tools of various colours.
Let me be clear though, I am not claiming that Barton is a practicing homosexual; I’m suggesting that he needs no further practice.
This would explain why he put his hands on Gervinho, and then threw himself to the ground. It was a rudimentary mating technique.
Whatever the truth of the matter, one fact remains beyond question; Joey is now drinking in the last chance saloon, and he’s ordering half a shandy.