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‘There’s a Bad Roon on the Rise’ aka ‘It’s Gonna Blow Ogre!’ aka ‘Spitting with Wayne’
In many ways I’m like Ian Wright, apart from the fact that I can construct a coherent sentence.
Like Wrighty, I like my women with a bit of timber. The best thing about a tubby bint is you don’t need to put in any real effort to get your length damp. The deal can often be sealed by a family-sized steak and kidney pie.
With thinner, good-looking girls, you’ve got to put a lot of legwork in, and who’s got the time to go out and buy Rohypnol or a hammer?
For these reasons, it’s saddened me to hear of Wayne Rooney sleeping with prostitutes just because his wife had added a few pregnancy pounds. Imagine if everybody paid for sex because their wife was fat? Paul Peschisolido would be bankrupt.
I’m not 100% sure that the extra weight carried by Rooney’s wife (hereinafter referred to as Princess Fiona) was the real issue, as she was quite a tubster to begin with. In my opinion, Rooney had to hoe-up because Fiona wouldn’t give him the key to the back door.
Whatever the reason behind Rooney’s infidelity, it’s incredulous that he had to pay £1,200 to give his Purple Wayne a little shower. Women normally flock around footballers like flies around John Terry, so something doesn’t add up, and I’m not talking about Robbie Savage.
The only conclusion I can draw is that Rooney has been robbed, which is ironic when you consider he’s a Scouser. I’d be surprised if even Chris Hoy spends that much on a bike.
I was going to claim that I would never pay that much to indulge in the Alex Gerrard shuffle, but I have gone as high as £20 in the past, and that does work out to £1,200 an hour.
If I had have paid over a grand, I’d have made sure the bint earned her cash. I’m talking about really degrading acts, like listening to Ian Wright’s radio show.
Now that I know how much money can be made from sleeping with a fat man, I’ll have to be honest; I’m reconsidering Sol Campbell’s offer.
One aspect of Hoegate that I found hilarious was the re-emergence of that Grandma who Rooney used to pork a few years ago. I’d forgotten what a state she was; it’s been years since I’ve watched Soccer AM.
I also enjoyed Rooney’s attempt at talking dirty. According to reports he screamed “that was a fucking penalty you cunt!”
I didn’t appreciate Rooney outrageously flaunting his wealth by paying £200 for cigarettes. I thought it was only Ashley Cole who likes to splash out on fags.
Unsurprisingly, Princess Fiona has been devastated by the news of Rooney’s pay-as-you-play policy and has asked the press to respect her privacy. She made the request via her column in OK magazine.
This is understandably a traumatic time for Fiona, especially as her sister has recently had a stroke. That must have cost Rooney a good monkey.
I’m not going to condemn Rooney any further for his actions, as he has apologised for banging that money-grabbing skank. I just hope he also apologises for sleeping with a prostitute.
