The No-Ball Art of Harrying

Outside the world of football, there are only two events that really excite me. One is The Ryder Cup, where the Europeans and the Americans take turns to sleep with Helen Chamberlain.

November sees the other event that I simply cannot wait for; The Ashes. That is assuming that the Thatchers opt for a cremation.

I’m also looking forward to England playing Australia in the cricket. My love of the game was born when I was an apprentice groundsman at Edgbaston. As a perk, I was given two front-row tickets to every game. I invited Ashley Cole to accompany me, but he preferred it up Lords.

When Cole passed on a free ticket, I made the schoolboy error of taking my then girlfriend to a game. The drunken skank thought it would be amusing to run on the pitch and move the rope when the ball was heading for a ‘4’. I had to break up with her; she just wouldn’t respect my boundaries.

I was genuinely surprised when Cole cold-shouldered my offer, as he was a half-decent batsman back in the day, although he never appreciated the short stuff. I heard he once took a bouncer in the mouth.

I did think of Ashley when I heard a rumour that a footballer had slept with Stuart Broad; but it turned out it was Adebola.

Personally, I enjoy watching the game, but I was a mediocre player. My team used to send me in as a night watchman: I couldn’t see a thing.

I just couldn’t get the bat to the ball. I had more leg-byes than Heather Mills.

Back when I used to play, cricket was synonymous with fair play, but I have to admit, it’s now more bent than Sol Campbell playing Twister.

And like Paul Peschisolido when Karren Brady has had a few glasses of wine, I’ll have to touch upon the elephant in the room.

I’m referring to the Pakistani betting scandal. I thought Harry Redknapp’s ‘kicking the ball into touch’ spread betting scam was the epitome of sporting corruption, but those no-balls against England crossed a line.

Here on the hard streets of the ‘Ham, we have plenty of slang terms for fraud. ‘Pulling a fast one’; ‘having someone in the net’; ‘taking a walk down Redknapp Lane’. However you describe it, the Pakistanis have been caught bang to rights.

As well as ‘Harrying’ with the no-balls, Pakistan’s embarrassing loss to Australia is also being scrutinised. In which case, England have about 78 tests which should also be investigated.

I think this year, England have the tools to beat the Aussies at their own game, and I don’t mean bartending or crime.

The Aussies simply don’t stand a chance because they’re playing against a team full of proud Englishmen: Over to you, Trott, Morgan and Pietersen.