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It ain’t over ‘til the fat Brady swings
Drinking copious amounts of alcohol is like having sex with Karren Brady, it sounds like a good idea, but at some stage you're going to throw up.
My fondness for the ale has led to severe memory loss; I simply can’t recall the England v Holland match during the World Cup. I know they must have met though, because I heard Ashley Cole was sucking on an orange at half-time.
On the betting front, my back of Argentina was not the wisest investment of all-time, but even a genius makes the occasional error. It’s like when Stephen Hawking forgot to check the brakes on his wheelchair; that’s just the way we roll.
I shall make amends by guiding you through the antepost Premier League market, and the first team we can safely rule out is 11/4 pokes Man U. The United squad are now so old; they live in constant fear of being back-doored by Wayne Rooney.
Liverpool are laughably short at 16/1, especially now that Torres looks completely shot. The Spaniard did start a couple of games in the World Cup, but when the tournament got serious he was dropped faster than Karren Brady’s edible underwear.
I’d love Arsenal to win the league, but I can’t invest my cash in a team that includes Bendtner and Almunia. Getting involved at 7/1 would be the biggest rick since I passed a flu-riddled Ashley Cole a handkerchief and said “blow”.
On a related note, Ashley made an appearance at Sol Campbell’s wedding, but the ceremony was marred by a few idiots booing. I have a dream that one day we’ll live in a society that allows people like Sol to marry their partner without condemnation.
Chelsea are 13/8 favourites to finish top of the pile, but winning back-to-back titles is like Carlos Tevez’s penis, it’s rarely pulled off.
I’m going to plump for Manchester City at 5/1, especially as they now boast the Toure brothers. That’s not racist, they’re siblings.
With every fresh signing, I’m becoming more and more confident that it’ll be Mancini who’ll have a bucket of water thrown over him at the end of the season. I just hope they let it cool down first; we don’t want another Carlos Tevez incident.
I have a pretty decent record on the relegation betting, and this season’s nap is West Ham. I think Sullivan and Gold have a place in football, but that place is outside the ground, flogging their low quality jazz-mags.
Somewhat surprisingly, I have a lot of time for Karren Brady; about 64 seconds if I remember correctly. On reflection, I could have used her face as a delaying tactic.
Karren is undoubtedly good for the Premier League’s image, as she ticks a number of boxes, namely ‘female’, ‘fat’ and ‘ugly’. I don’t think it would be unfair to say she put the ‘ming’ in Birmingham, and now the ‘ton’ in Upton Park.
The porn-barons have seriously erred by hiring Avram Grant, and not just because he has a face like he’s gone to a swingers’ party and picked up Karren Brady’s car keys.
The dildo-floggers and the tubby goer appear to have hired Grant on the back of a fortuitous cup-run last season. They’ve forgotten that Pompey would have finished bottom of the table even without their points deduction, or ‘Harry’s legacy’ as it was known at Fratton Park.
Mediocre management plus publicity-seeking self-serving owners is a recipe for disaster, and that makes the 11/2 for the Hammers to go down a genuine ‘Karren Brady price’, it’s too big and I certainly won’t be laying it. Again.
