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Always remember the 9th of November
An American in the Premier League is like Sol Campbell in a woman, there’s just something not quite right about it.
I must clarify at this early juncture that I’m not some xenophobic anti-American; some of my best friends are overweight.
I also have many Canadian pals, including Paul Peschisolido. I was the one who came up with his nickname: ‘The Gypo with a Hippo’.
I’ve been pondering on what it is about the Americans that I find so distasteful, and like Alex Gerrard’s opening, I can easily put my finger on it.
I believe the Yanks are using our football clubs as a tool to siphon out large wads of cash. I don’t want to come across all Daily Mail, but that’s taking work away from Englishmen like Sam Allardyce.
While it’s common knowledge that the Glazers and ‘Randolph and Mortimer’ up at Liverpool are cash-ravenous parasites, Randy Lerner was considered one of the better Americans, but that’s like saying herpes is one of the better STDs.
Lerner clearly stole from Manchester City during the James Milner deal. A straight swap for Ireland would have been fair (the player, not the potato-hide-and-seeking nation), but Lerner managed to blag an £18m sweetener. This is undoubtedly the most outrageous rip-off since Helen Chamberlain asked me to sponsor her in a sausage-eating competition.
It would have been bordering on acceptable if Randy was prepared to reinvest his ill-gotten gains, but his decision to pocket the cash forced Martin O’Neill to fall on his sword. And just like Kate McCann before him, Lerner has blood on his hands at the Villa.
I just hope that Randy hasn’t tucked-up the owners of Manchester City because they’re Muslims. I’m not a political expert, but even I know that 9/11 isn’t just the number of heterosexuals in the Chelsea team.
There are a few conspiracy theories surrounding 9/11, but for me it’s very much like Graeme Le Saux’s love-life, I’d be astonished if Bush played any part.
Anybody with any common sense knows that the terrorist attacks were orchestrated by Islamic fundamentalist Osama Bin Laden, and possibly Harry Redknapp.
If I had to pick sides in the conflict between radical Islam and America, I’d have to go with the Muslims. I may be fiercely opposed to their antiquated policy on bacon-sandwiches, but they’re light-years ahead of us in their proactive bint-straightening techniques.
If there were less Americans in the Premier League, and more Muslims, the game that we love would be far more enjoyable. Even crowd behaviour would improve, as there would be fewer calls for the referee to blow up.
So Americans, please go back home to the game you call ‘football’, where fat men hug each other for 20 seconds, before the referee has to stop the game to explain the rules to the crowd. You can’t get much more American than that.
