The World Cup’s Gonna Get Messi
There are many things in life that excite me, such as necrophilia, bestiality and autoerotic asphyxiation, but the World Cup is throwing down the gauntlet to the established big three.
I do have a few concerns about the competition, as South Africa is home to more criminal activity than the Redknapp residence, and tickets for the tournament, unlike the Liberal Democrats, are yet to sell out.
England’s chances of success, much like the sun, revolve around Wayne Rooney. And just like when Coleen asked him for a better view at the Glastonbury festival, that’s a ridiculous amount of weight to place on a young man’s shoulders.
If Rooney fails to perform we’ll struggle to score goals. Stevie G (the ‘G’ standing for ‘gone at the game’) and BFF stubbornly refuse to play nicely together and Emile Heskey is the biggest waste of space since they built a modelling agency in Coventry.
I’d feel a lot more confident if we could call upon David Beckham. Lennon and Wright-Phillips have certain qualities, but they can’t curl a quality ball in. In fact, they’d struggle to curl out a turd after a chicken vindaloo.
The defence is also a major cause for concern. Rio and Ledley King are regulars on the treatment-table and John Terry is one meeting with Alex Gerrard away from a serious groin injury. Things are so desperate we’ve even called up Jamie Carragher, despite him being retired and shite.
Capello is making numerous contentious decisions. He’s even banned the WAGs from the team’s training base, which hasn’t gone down well with John Terry. Steven Gerrard was also seething with the ruling; he’ll really miss his wife and girlfriend.
The manager has also laid down a draconian 10pm curfew. This is a genuine dilemma for Ashley Cole, who is often seen in the early hours of the morning trying to enter a bar. Although normally it’s just Drog Bar.
For the reasons outlined above, backing England.at 13/2 would be the worst investment since I went halves with Park Ji Sung on a hot-dog stall.
I’ve disregarded Spain and Brazil from a similarly value-based betting perspective, but I did take a look at Holland at 12/1. The Dutch do historically struggle with team-spirit, so it wouldn’t surprise me to see them fighting amongst themselves like four East Anglian brothers with a pretty sister.
I also considered France, but I’m a little put off by Frank Ribery’s personal problems after being caught having sex with an under-age prostitute. I’ll have a small saver on the French at 20/1 if Ribery’s ‘grass on the wicket’ defence holds up.
My pick for outright glory is Argentina at 8/1. Maradona may be madder than Ashley Cole when Capello banned mobile phones, but the players at his disposal are exceptional.
I’ve also had a little tickle on Messi to be the tournament top scorer and Argentina to win the competition at a delightful 33/1. My stats tell me it’s a solid bet, my intuition tells me, and most importantly of all, John Higgins has just told me.