Wade in to a Massive Hel Hole

I’m genuinely worried about child grooming on the internet; the police are really clamping down on it.

Helen Chamberlain should also be a little bit nervous. The 66 year old presenter is now dating a darts-thrower who could pass for her grandson: that’s not even acceptable in Middlesbrough.

I’m not criticising James Wade. When I was young I also had an interest in palaeontology, but this dalliance is bordering on necrophilia.

I blame Wayne Rooney for making old people fair game. Rooney has pushed more pensioners into bed than the flu virus.

A bint with a little bit of previous is not necessarily a bad thing, especially one as game as the bedraggled Chamberlain. There’s something beguiling about a sort who’s eaten more meat than Frank Lampard.

Also, from Wade’s perspective, it’s rare for a darts player to get an easy leg over.

I do admire the way that Chamberlain has carried herself since the news broke of her new boy-love. She’s acted with honour: well half of Torquay were on her.

I don’t want to cast aspersions on Helen’s integrity, but she has been passed around more than the ball at an Arsenal training session.

Helen even flirted with me on the Betfair Forum. I did play along for a while, but I was put off by the fact that she’s been filled in more often than an unemployment form in Liverpool.

Also, I lack the confidence to pair off with a woman who’s had her hands on more tools than Bob the Builder. They say the size of your feet is relative to the size of your equipment, so I really should be an amputee.

Crusty pensioner Chamberlain is supposedly a big football fan, but I heard that she was responsible for Torquay having to postpone plans to build a new stadium. Apparently, she had to be notified of any new erection in the area.

It is true that Helen has a Torquay United tattoo on her bottom. It makes a refreshing change from a Torquay United player.

If I was Wade, I’d throw the towel in, and there’s certainly enough room.

One thing that I can predict with confidence is that if Wade is determined to make the relationship work, he's going to have to make a good fist out of it.

Steve Coppell normally throws his hands up when the FA Cup rolls into town, so I’m more than happy to stake three points on a Cardiff win over Reading at 6/4. A case can be made for backing the Royals, but it has more holes than Helen Chamberlain’s bedpost.

 

 

 

 

A meeting of Helen Chamberlain's recent partners (Torquay Branch)