Two Mongs Don’t Make a Right

I’ve always done what I can to help the handicapped, I even married a Scot. For some strange reason, my munificent nature remains unappreciated.

I was on the bus this morning when a paraplegic approached and pointed to a sign on the window. The sign read: ‘This is a priority seat; please give it up for a disabled person.’ I said “you’re the man - I like you’re style - you’ve got it going on.”

I didn’t understand why the lad started bawling like John Terry, but it led to the driver asking me to move upstairs.

To my dismay, there was a bunch of chavs at the back blasting out offensive bile from their IPods. I think it was Adrian Durham’s radio show.

These lads were quite clearly mentally retarded; I just hope they enjoyed their trip away from Sky’s Fanzone.

There is nothing more disheartening than turning on Sky Sports News on a Monday to hear the presenter link to the Fanzone commentary of the weekend game. If I want to hear a fat idiot scream I’ll watch Frank Lampard’s reaction to Iniesta’s equaliser.

Joey Barton has the perfect profile to be a Fanzone commentator, he’s immensely dislikeable and he’s thicker than one of Harry Redknapp’s envelopes.

Barton will miss Newcastle’s scrap for survival after an idiotic dismissal against Liverpool. I believe he deliberately induced the red card as he no longer has the arsehole for the fight, which is quite ironic as there used to be quite a fight for his arsehole.

Joey was in an aggressive mood after the match when he abused Alan Shearer. A Newcastle insider claimed there was a confrontation and Joey had to be pulled off: I hope they played videos of ‘Oz’ and ‘Scum’ to help him get in the mood.

Barton was supposed to be a changed man after his stint at her majesty’s pleasure. I’ve never really understood that expression, the only person who derived any pleasure from his incarceration was his amorous cellmate.

Joey’s main problem is that he genuinely believes that he’s the best footballer who ever lived. I can say with absolutely no fear of contradiction that he’s not Pele, although both are synonymous with the term ‘useless tool.’

Newcastle should never have signed Barton, and the responsibility lies with Sam Allardyce, who enjoyed a brief stint at St James’ before he became Alex Ferguson’s official lapdog. I believe Willie McKay is Barton’s agent, so I’m guessing it was a ‘haircut’ deal: 'just a little bit off the top please.'

I’m going over the top with my weekend investment; I’m staking one point on Man City to beat Man Utd at an outrageous 9/1. When it obliges, I’ll be going more mental than Didier Drogba when he sees a television camera.

 

 

 

Two Mongs Don't Make a Right