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The Stub of the Green
After a run of poor fortune, I may have landed a little touch. A fat man in an advert believes that I’m entitled to compensation as I was involved in an accident in the workplace. I work from home and I’ve got two kids.
Although the little monsters were unintentional, I’ve grown mildly fond of them. Little Goliath is a real chip off the old block; he has to down three bottles of lager before he lets his mom breastfeed him.
I’m guessing that Coleen Rooney is no stranger to the ale, as she allowed herself to be impregnated by her ogre-like partner. I’ve heard of lives being turned upside down by torrential weather, but this was just three inches of Wayne.
I was disappointed by Coleen’s decision to opt for a caesarean. It’s not like a natural birth would prove problematic, I imagine it would closely resemble the log flume at Alton Towers.
There is a school of thought that all babies are beautiful, but nothing could be further from the truth. If the baby looks like Wayne, the nursery will have to introduce a dress code that includes a balaclava.
Wayne will need a strong support group around him once the wee Shrekster arrives, and he could do worse than look to Steven Gerrard. Stevie is a great Dad; he loves those kids like they were his own.
Dwight Yorke is definitely one to avoid. Yorkie dumped Jordan as soon as she was up the duff, although Damien did apologise profusely afterwards.
‘Little’ Harvey needs a strong father figure to encourage him to cut down on all the junk food. Harvey should really be eating five vegetables a day, or to use its official title, the ‘Girls Aloud’ diet.
Peter Andre is the latest sap to do a runner from Jordan and it’s rumoured that he’s entitled to half of her assets: God knows what he’ll do with one large tit. I suppose it could make a like-for-like replacement on Tim Lovejoy’s radio show.
Jamie Redknapp is probably the worst of all the footballing Dads, as he irresponsibly named his son ‘Beau’. That’s just one step away from naming the kid ‘mincer’, and I’m unsure about which direction. That poor lad is going to get a beating every day at school, and I have to say it’s perfectly justified.
I would never condone unnecessary violence, but it’s a dog eat dog world out there, especially in Clare Balding’s gaff.
Ledley King was involved in a violent altercation after too many ales last week, almost mirroring Ashley Cole’s recent arrest. A source inside White Hart Lane has told me that King will be back on the sauce this weekend - Ashley Cole is expected to be back on the source.
Cole got off lightly when he was arrested for being drunk and disorderly; he only received an £80 fine. As luck would have it, Ashley had just visited a hole in the wall.
King has not been so lucky and it looks like he might end up doing a little bird. I guess that safely rules out Coleen Rooney.
Coleen’s bump is already beginning to show and it wouldn’t surprise me if she was expecting twins. To be honest, she could fit Manchester United’s youth team in there.
On the subject of twins, I’ve recently discovered that Phil Neville has a twin sister. I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that I wouldn’t. Not for the fact that it would be a statistical anomaly if she wasn’t unattractive, I just can’t face the prospect of exchanging pleasantries with Gary and Phil the following morning.
My losing investment this week is three points on Bolton to beat Hull by two or more goals at 4/1. If it does miraculously oblige, I’ll be as happy as a dog with two dicks; not that I’m privy to Phil Neville’s sister’s mood.
