The Lady in Shed
Even though I’m a walking definition of machismo, I also worry about the world in which we live. I’m particularly concerned about swine flu; which I presume was created when a man slept with a pig. Thanks very much Wayne.
I’m also apprehensive about the re-emergence of pirates in Somalia. It goes against my moral code to snitch on someone, but there’s a rumour circulating that Sol Campbell is involved - he’s allegedly a salami pirate.
If pirates and pig flu don’t finish us off, global warming inevitably will. I’m interested in learning more about energy conservation - I’ve booked a session with Dimitar Berbatov.
In order to save the planet for future generations, we have to educate our children to the perils of excessive energy use. Frank Lampard shares my beliefs, that’s why he sent his kids to live in a small dark shed.
Some people believe that Frank’s actions are not born of education, but are the result of his rampant narcissism. I have spoke to Frank on the matter, hoping he would shed a little light; but he refused to even light a little shed.
It wouldn’t really surprise me if Frank was acting like a tool; after all, he is related to Jamie and Harry Redknapp. That has to be the most evil trio to have ever conjugated, unless Ian Huntley, Ian Brady and Andy Murray have secretly joined forces.
The West Ham fans were particularly unforgiving about Frank’s recent behaviour, but the Chelsea players had the last laugh after the match. “You can’t buy that” quipped John Terry, a sentiment shared by his mother.
Respected journalist and radio DJ James O’Brien labelled Lampard as ‘weak’ and ‘scum’ for allowing his kids to move into a shed while he continues to live the high life in his mansion. Frank went on air in a misguided attempt to defend himself - his defence being that his mom had passed away a year before. He’s milking that like an experienced farmhand.
Family man Sir Alex Ferguson is reported to be sickened by Frank’s actions, and has asked Rio Ferdinand to have a quiet word in Lampard’s ear. I assume that’s what he meant when he asked him to talk to Frank.
Poor Elen Rives was understandably devastated after Frank’s eviction order, but she’s pulling herself together for the sake of the kids. Elen is said to be particularly excited about her upcoming shed-warming, as Frank refuses to pay for heating.
Frank has not handled this situation well, especially when you consider the fact that he’s supposed to be reasonably bright. In my opinion, he’d start as the second favourite in a battle of wits against a greasy door-knob.
Frank did score highly on an IQ test, but that was administered by the Chelsea club doctor, so I assume the test was designed especially for footballers. You probably reach a genius level if you can follow the numbers to create a picture.
One question was reasonably tough though: ‘A farmer needs to take a fox, a cockerel and a sack of grain across a river, but he can only transport them one at a time in his small boat. In what order should the farmer proceed?’ Ashley Cole answered “I’d just take the cock.”
I’ve solved the weekend football betting conundrum with 100% accuracy, and the answer is ‘no goalscorer’ in the Stoke v West Ham match at 17/2. If my one point investment fails, it won’t be long before I’m living in a cardboard box. I’ll have to move in with Frank Lampard’s kids.