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The Colly and the IV
Change is inevitable, like a queue outside Helen Chamberlain’s bedroom.
One person who has shown dramatic growth in recent years is everybody’s second-favourite wife-beater, the one and hopefully only, Stanley ‘Kicked-Her’ Collymore.
As a footballer, Stan was a real non-tryer, but now he has his fingers in more pies than Ian Wright’s wife.
Collymore is now a DJ, an actor and a journalist, although all three should be prefixed with the word ‘useless’.
Stan’s latest newspaper column had to be seen to be believed. He had the cheek to call Robinho lazy: I’m surprised he didn’t go on to criticise Chris Brown for beating up Rihanna.
Collymore is not the only footballer to occasionally indulge in a spot of bint-straightening; Craig Bellamy was once on trial for whipping out the quietening shoe.
Bellamy allegedly half-throttled a girl after commenting on her weight and her fondness for fornication. He was way out of line, but my wife should never have pressed charges.
Marlon King is following a similar path; the hit-man was charged this week with attacking a woman in a nightclub. I believe it was all a simple misunderstanding; the lady in question was upset and asked King to console her, so he bounced a PlayStation off her head.
I don’t intend to come across all holier-than-thou, but I would never raise a hand to my wife, as she holds a considerable weight advantage.
I can not say the same for Cristiano Ronaldo. The Real Madrid player spat at Robbie Savage last week, which can definitely be construed as abuse of a mouthy blonde.
I found the spitting incident wholly inappropriate. If I wanted to see two ladyboys exchange fluids I’d have played my DVD.
I’ll happily watch anything in the adult entertainment genre, no matter how degrading. I plan to watch a man mate with a pig this weekend; or to use its official title, ‘Jade Goody’s wedding night’.
You have to feel sorry for Jack Tweed. It’s a scientific fact that the uglier the bint, the more lager you need to consume before you consummate the marriage. Jack will undoubtedly have the mother of all hangovers on Monday morning, and he no longer has access to the hair of the dog.
Jade’s mom has loudly applauded their decision to marry, proving that one hand clapping does make a sound.
I certainly wasn’t applauding the hypocritical coverage of the thirteen year old dad, Alfie Patten. The press are showing compassion for Alfie after he got it on with a fifteen year old girl. Back in the day, they sent Graham Rix to prison.
I can understand why some people were shocked by the youngsters’ actions. It was definitely different when Ashley Cole and I were at school; the closest we got to the birds and the bees was the odd game of doctors and nurses. For some reason, Ashley was always the proctologist.
After thoroughly examining the weekend Asian Handicap markets, I would recommend that you take two points and invest them on Arsenal overcoming their -1.25 line against Sunderland. Stan Collymore agrees; he’s jumping on the even money like it was an eight-stone woman.
