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The Bitterest Phil, It’s Hard To Swallow
You have to get up early to fool me, well before midday anyway.
I thought I was being ‘murked’ when a friend told me that Phil Scolari had been dismissed. When the news was confirmed, my head was shaking like Muhammad Ali’s cocoa.
You can’t sack a World Cup winning coach after a short run of poor form, so Big Phil must have lost the dressing room. Abramovich could have saved a fortune by just knocking up a couple of signposts.
On reflection, Scolari never really stood a chance. Under Big Phil’s reign, Abramovich put his hands in his pockets less than Abu Hamza.
I have a sneaking suspicion that Abramovich has basically given up on the club. Much like Prince Harry, he’s tired of Chelsea after an unfulfilling ride.
Some might say that karma has played a role in Chelsea’s demise after they arrogantly booked their hotel for the Champions League final last November. That was probably the most overly optimistic move since Jack Tweed bought Jade Goody a hairbrush.
The Chelsea supporters share my surprise at the latest developments. Big Ramones fan Tim Lovejoy was particularly stunned. “Phil who?” enquired Tim, as he lay in his cardboard box with only a soiled sheet and a crumpled picture of Helen Chamberlain for companionship.
Guus Hiddink will now take charge of affairs until the end of the season; an appointment that went down well with John Terry. “I’d have been happy with anyone but Frank Rijkaard or Paul Ince,” the England captain may well have said.
Abramovich is undoubtedly responsible for Chelsea’s plight, but John Terry should not be happy with what he sees in the mirror, and I don’t mean that swastika tattoo.
Terry effectively ensured Scolari’s demise when he missed a golden chance against Hull last week. It was the biggest sitter since Buddha.
Terry also cost Avram Grant his job with his hilarious penalty choke in the Champions League final last season. JT is fast catching up with Ulrika Jonsson in the ‘managers screwed’ department.
Ashley Cole is also in a race with Ulrika, it’s currently 1-1 in the amount of Ericsson’s they’ve had up them.
Sven is in the frame to replace the hapless Tony Adams as manager of Portsmouth. Hopefully, Adams will now look for a position in which he has the necessary experience, perhaps something in the field of wall-demolition. It’ll be between him and the Liverpool fans.
The Old Bill are continuing their attempt to smash through the wall of football corruption and have re-arrested Karren Brady. I have it on good authority that Brady is just a pawn. The filth are trying to nail the real kingpin, a mysterious individual referred to only as Mr Twitch.
I remain on the lookout for value on the weekend football, and I’m all over the 7/5 for Arsenal to beat Cardiff by two or more goals.
I’m more than pleased with my one point investment. The only way I could be any happier is if Andy Murray and Noel Edmonds agree to a fight to the death, and it finishes in a dead-heat.
