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Sympathy for the Neville
Money, unlike my good lady wife, is too tight to mention.
Betty just doesn’t understand the concept of a recession. I stole a glance at her shopping list and it was full of expensive brand names: Thornton’s chocolate, Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and KY jelly.
The bint must think I’m made of money. I tried to explain that you can’t get blood out of a stone, unless Joey Barton is involved in the negotiation.
My words fell upon deaf ears. The wife is still blowing a fortune on fancy meals; she told a friend she would have a large rabbit inside her as soon as I left for work.
I remember when she used to be happy with just fish fingers, although it would take ten to fill her up.
My parsimonious nature is almost certainly a result of my upbringing, when cash was in short supply. We couldn’t even afford to boil water; I was jealous of rich kids like Carlos Tevez who used to bathe in it.
Our home was like something out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I had to share a bed with my grandmother, although we rarely wandered into Wayne Rooney territory.
The one consolation about being poor was that nobody would try to rob you. We used to always leave our back-door open, a policy that Alex Gerrard continues with to this day.
Times were undoubtedly tough, but we never had it as bad as Petr Cech. His parents were so poor; they could only afford one vowel.
The Nevilles also grew up in abject poverty; the brothers even had to share the same toothbrush. Children would accuse Phil of being a minge like his brother Gary; you could say he was “tard with the same brush”.
While the Nevilles undoubtedly struggled, their life was luxurious when compared to the Ferdinands. When Rio was young, he never had a pot to piss in. When he finally started earning money, he bought himself the pot, but he still stubbornly refused to urinate.
The footballer you have to feel most sorry for is Jamie Carragher. His parents were never in any financial difficulties, he’s just a tool.
Ashley Cole, somewhat ironically, never had it hard when he was young. Ashley always wanted a mobile phone and he was fortunate enough to be one of the first to own one. They were massive units back then; it really brought a tear to his eye.
Speaking of tight arseholes, Harry Redknapp is planning to wear Juande Ramos’ suit to the Carling Cup final. Imagine that, Harry taking something that doesn’t belong to him.
I’m going to wage a one-man war against the credit crunch by investing three points on a Manchester United win over Tottenham at 1.85. I’d consider that a fair price at White Flag Lane.
Please be aware that the 1.85 is for 90 minutes betting only. There will be an extra 30 minutes play if the match finishes in a draw, or if United are losing.
