Pretty Kitty Bang Bang
To say my luck is out at the minute would be the greatest understatement since Ian Wright described his wife as ‘cuddly’.
I just can’t catch a break. I recently entered a sweepstake for Sports Personality of the Year. I ended up with hide-and-seeker Karen Matthews.
I’m even receiving emails from Nigerian Princes ruling me out of any future transactions.
It’s reached the stage now where I can’t even remember my last winning bet. I even lost a coin flip last week - and I had two stabs at it.
A helpful Liverpool supporter emailed me to suggest that my poor form is karma for calling Rafa Benitez a useless Spanish waiter. I was out of order, but at least I didn’t leave a message on his answering machine.
I’m struggling to comprehend how my luck can simply disintegrate. I’m not superstitious, but on reflection I probably erred by walking under a ladder while playing keepy-uppy with a black cat.
As my betting bank is shrinking like Roy Keane’s testicles, I’ve decided to stay in on Saturday night to preserve funds. I know I’ll regret it though, as the wife will be watching televised karaoke. Every week she goes all gooey-eyed over some little potato-hoarder because she thinks he has the ‘X-factor’. I have to agree; every time I see him I want to carve an X into his forehead.
It’ll be a travesty if the lovely Alexandra fails to win the competition. I implore the British public to overlook the furore surrounding her sex-tape. I’m sure she regrets filming it, as do I.
The wife goes mad for all of the reality TV shows, especially ‘I’m a celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!’ I never got into that myself, but I will probably watch the next series if Sol Campbell’s involvement is confirmed. I’m guessing the producers won’t be short for a volunteer to eat a kangaroo’s penis.
While I’m staying in on Saturday nights and counting my pennies, footballers are shamelessly flaunting their considerable wealth. On top of Wayne Rooney’s £90,000 a week wage, he receives a further £760,000 every six months for image rights. Presumably, there must be a product emblazoned with Rooney’s image that is selling like hot cakes. It has to be condoms; a picture of Rooney would definitely put you off risking a fat ugly baby.
Steven Gerrard is also financially comfortable. The ‘Falling Down’ star has been given a £1m flat in Dubai in return for allowing developers to name a new apartment block after him. I hope the people who live in Cheating, Diving, Pancake-Avoiding Hypocrite Tower realise that they’re paying over the odds for their property.
Not everyone in football is wealthy though, Portsmouth are reportedly so poor, they may have to sell their best players in January. Sol Campbell will undoubtedly have suitors, I understand that an offer is imminent from Ashley Cole.
Pompey’s lack of cash reminds me of my own predicament. I’m in such bad form at the minute; I’m struggling to sleep at night. Phil Scolari is a fellow insomniac, the Chelsea manager has to kip in a spare room as his constant fidgeting upsets his bint. I can speak from experience when I say that there’s nothing more annoying than the wife waking up to find you tossing and turning.
Big Phil and I will both sleep like Vinnie Jones after getting shoed by a fat Yank when Chelsea get the better of a struggling West Ham. I’m investing one point on Chelsea on the -1.75 Asian Handicap line at even money, and I’m definitely due.
