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Jade to make your mouth water
Regrets are like ugly girlfriends, I’ve had a few. When I was younger, I would sleep with anything in a skirt after a few ales. Looking back on it, I should never have got drunk in Scotland.
When the Jocks aren’t taking advantage of handsome English tourists, they appear to be either drunk or fighting. Graeme Souness recently kicked off at an under-10s football match; poor Michael Jackson didn’t know what to do with himself.
Our Scottish brothers respect no social boundaries when they’re involved in a brawl; Alan Hutton even beat his own Dad up. On a more positive note, Andy Murray will one day have kids. Yes, I have spotted the potential flaw.
The love of the ruck is undoubtedly endemic in Scottish culture. A spokesman for the Sweaty filth claimed that domestic violence increased by 88% after the CIS Cup final. If the Scots could kick a ball around as well as they do a bint, they would be significantly higher in the FIFA rankings.
I don’t want to appear harsh on our cross-dressing neighbours, but if international football was the Winter Olympics, the Sweaties would be Natasha Richardson. Scotland are going downhill and the Dutch will win by two or more goals, I’m investing two points at even money.
In the interest of fairness, England also has a number of lunatics. Wayne Rooney is clearly a total nutcase, judging by the overweight lothario’s attempt to start a fight on a corner flag.
Rooney is now so mentally challenged; he would start as a clear favourite in a mong-off with Paul Gascoigne. I’d even fancy him to come out on top in a Mexican mong-off with Gazza and Rafa.
Earlier in the season, it looked like Benitez was going to crack under the pressure, much like Jade Goody’s coffin will; but Steven Gerrard has saved his boss from a total meltdown.
The Liverpool fans are going a little bit over-the-top with their Gerrard love-in; if he was that much of a genius he’d be able to teach his wife how to cross her legs.
A Scouse pal of mine claimed that Gerrard was the best player in the world after last week’s hat-trick, but he soon quietened down when I pointed out that all three of his goals came from dead-ball situations. In fact, he held a minute’s silence for the ball.
The week could hardly have gone any better for Stevie. As well as revitalising Liverpool’s title challenge, the assault charge hanging over his head has finally been dropped. Stevie was potentially looking at a stretch, and he was sweating like Kate McCann outside a police station.
While it’s been a good week for Gerrard, it’s been nothing short of a disaster for me. I’m finding it hard to even concentrate on betting, after the death of the noble, gorgeous, people’s princess, Jade Goody.
Britain has lost her shining light, and there’s a pain in my heart. I probably shouldn’t have had those four bacon sandwiches.
I don’t know if there is a heaven, but if there is, Jade will be up there with all of the other saintly figures who have sadly passed away. She’ll probably be having a chat with Mother Teresa about how stuck up Gandhi is, or as she’ll probably refer to him, ‘Naandi’. I’ll embark on a poppadom frenzy when England beat Slovakia 2-0, I’m staking one point at 6/1.
