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It’s Like Déjà Vu All Over Again
I’m not one to whine, but the past year has been a disappointment. I finally plucked up the courage to ask Helen Chamberlain out on a date, but she just blew me off.
I didn’t take rejection particularly well. I sneaked on to the set of Soccer AM and left a steaming turd in her dressing room. She wasn’t too upset though, he used to co-present the programme.
My public knockback has hurt my credibility as a ladies-man; I’d told my friends that I’d smashed through more back doors than the serious crime squad.
My pals have correctly concluded that my claim to have slept with over fifty women was an outrageous exaggeration. They’re even suspicious about my revised figure of five: luckily, the police can back me up on three cases.
One of my genuine conquests was a German girl who was close to being a perfect ‘10’. She was extremely conceited though: she knew she was a ‘9’, and she wouldn’t shut up about it while making love.
Manchester United’s season has been close to perfection, they’re worthy winners of the Premier League. The credit has to go to their defence; they’ve been meaner than Cheryl Cole upon viewing a black woman in a toilet.
The androgynous Ronaldo has had an up and down year. He’s scored plenty of goals, but he continues to embrace the turf more than Clare Balding.
Rafa Benitez has also had a mixed season. Rafa undoubtedly erred by paying an extortionate £20m for Robbie Keane - that’s close to what Ulrika Jonsson receives in child support payments.
To compound his original error, Rafa then treated Keane disgracefully. At one stage, he was being pulled off more than Stan Collymore in a car park.
Benitez does deserve some credit for a great end to the season; a run which coincided with a more settled starting 11. I don’t think anyone appreciated the rotation policy, with the possible exception of Alex Gerrard.
Steven Gerrard was undoubtedly the Premier League player of the year, but amazingly, people still compare Frank Lampard to the Liverpool talisman. Usually, the term ‘a poor man’s’ plays a significant role.
Lampard has his critics, but I’d happily place the big lad alongside Vieira, Keane and Gerrard; if I was creating an ‘odd one out’ question.
It was rumoured that Lampard was going to follow in Gerrard’s footsteps and be arrested by the filth. Senior police officials were considering charging him with possession of an offensive relative.
Harry Redknapp has done reasonably well at Tottenham, although I was surprised that he never made a move for Anders Svensson. The Swede played under Redknapp at Southampton, so it wouldn’t have surprised me to see Harry take back Anders.
I’m not suggesting that Harry is occasionally economical with the truth, but if he told me it was raining, I’d have to look out of the window before letting the bint back in the house.
The wife does like her football, and she’s convinced that Michael Owen will never play for Newcastle again. I overheard her on the phone to her mother saying that he’s not big enough to make the side.
The diminutive Owen may have to consider a new career. I suppose he could always become a jockey - like Ashley Cole.
Mike Ashley should shoulder the blame for Newcastle’s imminent demise. Keegan, Kinnear and Shearer were all ridiculous choices: I’m guessing that Ashley is in possession of a barrel with extensive scrape damage.
Middlesbrough are also doomed; they have a tougher task on their hands than Helen Chamberlain’s makeup artist.
Sunderland are now the top dogs in the North East, but that’s like leading a race at the Special Olympics.
If Sunderland were a flavour of ice cream, they would definitely be vanilla. That reminds me of the old song, “I scream, you scream, we all scream if we accidentally look at Carlos Tevez.”
I hope Sir Alex rests Tevez this weekend, as I’m investing three points on Hull winning by two or more goals at 11/2. Three points is a very large bet for me - I’m going to be sweating like Steven Gerrard on Father’s Day.
