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Ask not what you can do for your mum, Terry
As an alleged heterosexual, I’ve always been cynical of so-called ‘psychics’.
Yet to my astonishment, I’ve recently discovered that I have the ability to see into the future. Whenever I’m in a nightclub and I spot an attractive girl, I know for a fact that she’s going to be getting plowed later in the evening.
My wife also has ‘a gift’ and somewhat ironically, she’s a medium. Whenever she holds a séance, the spirit will enter her; after it’s waited patiently in the queue.
The bint can also read tea leaves, and is particularly looking forward to the literary musings of John Terry’s mom.
We’ve all done something stupid that we later regret, for me, it was Helen Chamberlain. For Old Ma Terry, it was a little bit of thievery, or to use its street name, ‘Harrying’.
I’m not going to knock the woman for her light-fingered escapade, after all, there’s a recession on. She’s not the first person to behave in this fashion; I hear that Ashley Cole lifts the occasional shirt.
Old Ma Terry has plenty of form for embarrassing her son; it’s alleged that she once had a ‘coming together’ with one of the Carraghers. If true, I don’t know which one should be the more ashamed.
I’m assuming that old Mrs T is still seeing Carragher, as she half-inched a green tracksuit, which is the equivalent of an Armani three-piece suit in Liverpool.
The bra-full dodger was lucky to only receive a caution after being nicked by the filth; in some countries she would have received the death penalty. She would have been OK though, for her last request she could have asked for John to take it.
The one perplexing element about the items she stole is the Pedigree Chum; I’m assuming she was looking for a pregnancy gift for Coleen Rooney.
Coleen’s pregnancy proves once and for all that size is not important. As we all know, Wayne has an incredibly short fuse.
Bookmakers are offering odds on the name of the alleged baby, and I’ll have to get myself involved. David Beckham named his nipper ‘Brooklyn’, as that’s where he was when the baby was conceived. I think Rooney will follow suit and name his baby ‘On top of a fat bint’.
I am making the assumption that the Rooneys were using the missionary position. I just can’t imagine Coleen going on top - that’s a prelude to a manslaughter charge.
As her pregnancy develops, Coleen will have to buy larger clothes, if such items actually exist. She’ll probably just send John Terry’s mom into Millets.
Coleen will feel self-conscious as her weight increases, it would probably help if she were among contemporaries of a similar size - perhaps a sea-life centre or Newcastle.
The Geordies would welcome Coleen with open arms; they’re still on a high after the appointment of Alan Shearer as their new messiah. Personally, I don’t understand the need for a manager who has an affinity with the area; you don’t see the Boro fans chanting for Gary Glitter.
At the time of writing, Shearer’s assistants have yet to be confirmed, but only a fool would completely rule out Ant and Dec. Those two do everything together, I fear for the state of Georgie Thompson’s back door. I’m abusing the 13/10 for Manchester United to beat Aston Villa by two or more goals, I’m investing three points.
