Rings that go bump in the night

My heart goes out to the clinically depressed and the morbidly obese, but I have a genuine illness; I suffer from sleep deprivation.  I believe my condition is a result of an incident that occurred many years ago, when I was naïve enough to believe that physical attractiveness was not an essential requirement in the process of potential mate selection.

It was a Saturday night, and I found myself frequenting a nightclub with a group of friends, such was the custom at that time.  As 2am arrived and a sense of desperation filled the air, I approached a lady who I thought looked quite hot.  It turned out she was just very sweaty.  As she made her intentions clear, I made the cardinal error of not topping up my alcohol level before exiting the building.  On the taxi ride home, sobriety kicked in like a tortured mule.

Within two minutes of entering my humble abode, she was parading shamelessly in her birthday suit.  It was at this stage that I fully appreciated the gravity of the situation.  Unfortunately, my plea to go directly to the cigarette fell upon deaf ears.  Without going into too much detail of what followed, I can confirm that I didn’t get a wink of sleep all night, and I’ve struggled to get my head down ever since. 

As the dawn approached like a guardian angel, I plucked up the courage to ask her to leave by the back door, which was somewhat ironic.  I made a conscious decision that morning to never return to the club, as the experience left me close to a breakdown.  Kevin Keegan has been far less pragmatic.  I do expect a significant short-term improvement for the Toon Army; I’ll be getting on the Geordies at 5/6 at home to Bolton.

I was quite surprised that Steve Bruce was never approached by Mike Ashley.  Bruce has been in charge of Wigan for about seven weeks, so he is definitely due a move.  I expect to see a massive move on Everton to beat Wigan at an exceedingly pleasant 11/8.

Fulham FC share a trait of mine: they start off quickly, but lack stamina.  The Cottagers have lost a lead in 10 of their 22 Premier League matches this season, blowing 25 points in the process.  I can only put Fulham’s lack or resolve down to poor conditioning; I’ll buy them a case of  ‘Wash & Go’ after Arsenal turn them over at 8/15.

Blackburn are still struggling to find a replacement for Robbie Savage.  They came close last week, but Sun Hill refused to release Gillian Taylforth.  I‘m diving on the 4/5 for a Blackburn win over Middlesbrough.

With matches at White Hart Lane producing an average of 5.1 goals, Juande Ramos has been forced to tighten up at the back; so he’s dropped Paul Robinson like an opinionated girlfriend.  Spurs are on an upward curve as a result, they’re a confident selection at 4/9 against Sunderland.

Manchester City are a Jekyll and Hyde club.  When they play at home, they’re an object of unquestionable beauty, yet when they leave Eastlands, they’re as useful as a military recruitment centre in Paris.  West Ham are making the now familiar trip to the City of Manchester Stadium, you have to like the even money for another home win.

I was genuinely surprised by the amount of appearances made by a relatively young Jamie Carragher.  I haven’t seen 500 clocked up so quickly since the wife last stood on the scales.  A Liverpool win over Villa will be a weight off my mind; I’m playing heavily at 4/6.

Ronaldo is on course to be the first wide man since George Best to receive the Golden Boot.  There are many similarities between the two players.  Best was a Manchester United hero, as is Ronaldo.  Best was a phenomenal dribbler, as is the Portuguese step-over expert.  Best loved his women.  I’ll be trying to get on Manchester United at 4/9 to beat Reading.

John Terry has been outed as a Manchester United supporter, further perpetrating the myth that most of United’s support originates in London.  That’s an insult to the Chinese.  I’ll take it as a personal insult if Chelsea slip up against Birmingham at 4/6.

After starting the season on fire, Benjani has reverted to type.  If missed chances were pints of lager, he’d have a liver like George Best.  I’m taking a chance on the draw between Portsmouth and Derby at 10/3. 

I can’t think of George Best without remembering the time that I had a badly damaged organ.  That night still haunts me, and I can’t sleep without the aid of sedatives.  Luckily, I’ve been carrying them around with me for a number of years, as you never know when opportunity will knock.  Chelsea, Tottenham, Newcastle, Everton and Liverpool form a fantastic 15/1 betting opportunity that only comes along once every seven days.