I pity the Newell

It’s easy to say the wrong thing.  When the wife told me she’d received a fine for not wearing a seatbelt, I probably shouldn’t have responded with; “Why’s that then? Wouldn’t it fit?”

Mike Newell is in a similar boat.  His controversial views on female officials have landed him in a spot of bother; but in my opinion, there could well be a nail with a pounding headache.  It’s unfair to ask a woman to make crucial decisions less than 24 hours after an episode of Emmerdale.

All joking aside, Amy Rayner is more than capable.  If I had to mark her performance using the binary scale, I’d give her ‘1’.

Is it a coincidence that Spurs are wearing a chocolate coloured kit now that women are running the line?  (A lady will be less inclined to flag for offside if they’re contemplating a large dairy milk.)  If you’re not cynical about the situation, you probably haven’t thought it through.  There’s no need to ponder for too long on the outcome of the Blackburn v Tottenham match.  Be a smarty; eat up the 8/5 about a home win.

Alan Pardew and Jose Mourinho are the undisputed kings of the goal celebration.  Let’s hope there’s not a lady lino on duty when Chelsea face West Ham, or it could turn into a scene from ‘Saturday Night Fever’.  The champions have too much for the Hammers; their title hopes will be stayin’ alive at 1/4.

Jose Mourinho has had a pop at the Chelsea fans, he’s accused them of being quieter than El Hadji Diouf’s wife.  Chelsea supporters will have plenty to sing about if they cover the 2-0/3-0 correct scores at 5/2.

The word on the street is that Frank Lampard is to be offered a new deal worth £130,000 a week; that buys a whole lot of chicken wings.  The Lamp has found the net in three of his last five games; he’s worth a nibble at 13/8 to score against his former employers.

It’s fair to say that Iain Dowie made an absolute ‘Desert Orchid’ of the Charlton job; sorry, I meant ‘dog’s dinner’.  Charlton are bottom of the table and haven’t won in Reading for 25 years, the Royals should be backed at a majestic even money.

Finding Michael Jackson babysitting work is tough, finding Mike Newell a job at the equal opportunities commission is even tougher, but finding a winner in the Everton v Bolton match is proving nigh impossible.  I can’t see past the draw at 9/4.

Sir Alex was far from happy when news broke that Keith Hackett had arranged a meeting with Jose Mourinho.  Fergie’s voice reached such a high pitch, Mike Newell wanted him removed from the touchline.  United have won on their last three visits to Bramall Lane without conceding a goal, I fancy a repeat at 11/10.

Gareth Southgate has led Boro up to 13th place in the Premiership, which makes him over-qualified for the position of England manager.  Liverpool have won only two of their last eight league match-ups with Middlesbrough, and both of those were at Anfield.  The Boro look a corking investment at 12/5 to triumph at the Riverside.

With the managerial merry-go-round now under way, Stuart Pearce must be sweating like Mike Newell at a feminist convention.  Fulham must be backed at 12/5 to see off Man City.

The wife hates it when i make patronizing comments; the poor little lamb gets ever so upset.  You’ll be screaming if you miss Aston Villa at 2/1 away to Wigan.

Let me just clarify, I am not a sexist; I enjoy conversations about cushions.  Everybody’s talking about the 4/6 on offer for Pompey at home to Watford; it’s as tasty as a chicken tikka masala.

I had a lovely Indian on Wednesday night to celebrate England’s draw in Holland; her name was Sanjita.  There was an immediate chemistry between us; Rohypnol.  I’m loving Arsenal at 1/3 at home to Newcastle.

The argument for this week’s accer is so convincing, Mike Newell is reconsidering his hard-line stance on women’s rights.  Arsenal, Chelsea, Portsmouth, Reading and an Everton draw are the five selections; you have the right to collect at a bra-burning 15/1.