Always remember the 9th of November
I’m not a political expert, but even I know that 9/11 isn’t just the number of heterosexuals in the Chelsea team.
Always remember the 9th of November
It ain’t over ‘til the fat Brady swings
Karren Brady is undoubtedly good for the Premier League’s image, as she ticks a number of boxes, namely ‘female’, ‘fat’ and ‘ugly’. I don’t think it would be unfair to say she put the ‘ming’ in Birmingham, and now the ‘ton’ in Upton Park.
It ain’t over ‘til the fat Brady swings
The World Cup’s Gonna Get Messi
England’s chances of success, much like the sun, revolve around Wayne Rooney. And just like when Coleen asked him for a better view at the Glastonbury festival, that’s a ridiculous amount of weight to place on a young man’s shoulders.
The World Cup’s Gonna Get Messi
Arsehole United
Playing at right back for Arsehole United is Gary Neville, undoubtedly the busiest tool since Kate McCann’s shovel.
A Johnny Pork Her and Seven Up
In an attempt to placate his bint, Ashley Cole has turned to religion. He can often be found on his knees, practicing on a hymn.
A Johnny Pork Her and Seven Up
It’s Like Déjà Vu All Over Again
One of my genuine conquests was a German girl who was close to being a perfect ‘10’. She was extremely conceited though: she knew she was a ‘9’, and she wouldn’t shut up about it while making love.
It’s Like Déjà Vu All Over Again
The Stub of the Green
I was disappointed by Coleen’s decision to opt for a caesarean. It’s not like a natural birth would prove problematic, I imagine it would closely resemble the log flume at Alton Towers.
Two Mongs Don’t Make a Right
I was on the bus this morning when a paraplegic approached and pointed to a sign on the window. The sign read: ‘This is a priority seat; please give it up for a disabled person.’ I said “you’re the man - I like you’re style - you’ve got it going on.”
The Lady in Shed
Respected journalist and radio DJ James O’Brien labelled Lampard as ‘weak’ and ‘scum’ for allowing his kids to move into a shed while he continues to live the high life in his mansion. Frank went on air in a misguided attempt to defend himself - his defence being that his mom had passed away a year before. He’s milking that like an experienced farmhand.
Liar-Man Sam and the Petty Sweaty
I’ve found the recent behaviour of Alex Ferguson contemptible. Instead of going mano-a-wino with Rafa Benitez, Fergie has shamefully teamed up with fat envelope-merchant Sam Allardyce. The fiery Scot has seriously gone down in my estimations - and my original estimate was relatively low.
Liar-Man Sam and the Petty Sweaty
A Twat in my Kitchen
I hear that Sol Campbell is quite the poultry connoisseur; his signature dish is chicken wings in HP sauce. He loves dipping his bone in the brown stuff.
Not by the Clare on her chinny chin chin
It is with a heavy heart that I have to criticise todger-dodger Clare Balding for her ‘get your teeth done’ gaffe after last week’s Grand National. It was totally out of character for Clare, it was the first time she’s ever had a foot in her mouth.
Not by the Clare on her chinny chin chin
Ask not what you can do for your mum, Terry
The one perplexing element about the items she stole is the Pedigree Chum; I’m assuming she was looking for a pregnancy gift for Coleen Rooney.
Ask not what you can do for your mum, Terry
Jade to make your mouth water
I don’t know if there is a heaven, but if there is, Jade will be up there with all of the other saintly figures who have sadly passed away. She’ll probably be having a chat with Mother Teresa about how stuck up Gandhi is, or as she’ll probably refer to him, ‘Naandi’.
Get your Fritz out for the lads
Josef Fritzl is arguably a positive role-model. It takes real dedication to maintain such a long-term relationship.
Get your Fritz out for the lads