Always remember the 9th of November

9/11 lolsI’m not a political expert, but even I know that 9/11 isn’t just the number of heterosexuals in the Chelsea team.

Always remember the 9th of November

 

 

It ain’t over ‘til the fat Brady swings

Karren Brady has lost a little weightKarren Brady is undoubtedly good for the Premier League’s image, as she ticks a number of boxes, namely ‘female’, ‘fat’ and ‘ugly’. I don’t think it would be unfair to say she put the ‘ming’ in Birmingham, and now the ‘ton’ in Upton Park.

It ain’t over ‘til the fat Brady swings

 

 

The World Cup’s Gonna Get Messi

Coleen Trying to Kill Wayne RooneyEngland’s chances of success, much like the sun, revolve around Wayne Rooney. And just like when Coleen asked him for a better view at the Glastonbury festival, that’s a ridiculous amount of weight to place on a young man’s shoulders.

The World Cup’s Gonna Get Messi

 

 

Arsehole United

Gary Neville, the busiest tool since Kate McCann's shovelPlaying at right back for Arsehole United is Gary Neville, undoubtedly the busiest tool since Kate McCann’s shovel.

Arsehole United

 

 

A Johnny Pork Her and Seven Up

John Terry banging a team-mate's bintIn an attempt to placate his bint, Ashley Cole has turned to religion. He can often be found on his knees, practicing on a hymn.

A Johnny Pork Her and Seven Up

 

 

It’s Like Déjà Vu All Over Again

Frank Lampard's NicknameOne of my genuine conquests was a German girl who was close to being a perfect ‘10’. She was extremely conceited though: she knew she was a ‘9’, and she wouldn’t shut up about it while making love.

It’s Like Déjà Vu All Over Again

 

 

The Stub of the Green

An Early Scan Of Wayne Rooney's BabyI was disappointed by Coleen’s decision to opt for a caesarean. It’s not like a natural birth would prove problematic, I imagine it would closely resemble the log flume at Alton Towers.

The Stub of the Green

 

 

Two Mongs Don’t Make a Right

Two Mongs Don't Make a RightI was on the bus this morning when a paraplegic approached and pointed to a sign on the window. The sign read: ‘This is a priority seat; please give it up for a disabled person.’ I said “you’re the man - I like you’re style - you’ve got it going on.”

Two Mongs Don’t Make a Right

 

 

The Lady in Shed

Elen Rives and Frank Lampard's kids move in to their new homeRespected journalist and radio DJ James O’Brien labelled Lampard as ‘weak’ and ‘scum’ for allowing his kids to move into a shed while he continues to live the high life in his mansion. Frank went on air in a misguided attempt to defend himself - his defence being that his mom had passed away a year before. He’s milking that like an experienced farmhand.

The Lady in Shed

 

 

Liar-Man Sam and the Petty Sweaty

Liar-Man Sam Allardyce loves to bully fat SpaniardsI’ve found the recent behaviour of Alex Ferguson contemptible. Instead of going mano-a-wino with Rafa Benitez, Fergie has shamefully teamed up with fat envelope-merchant Sam Allardyce. The fiery Scot has seriously gone down in my estimations - and my original estimate was relatively low.

Liar-Man Sam and the Petty Sweaty

 

 

A Twat in my Kitchen

Matthew Upson and Graeme Le Saux teach Ashley Cole and Sol Campbell the noble art of teabaggingI hear that Sol Campbell is quite the poultry connoisseur; his signature dish is chicken wings in HP sauce. He loves dipping his bone in the brown stuff.

A Twat in my Kitchen

 

 

Not by the Clare on her chinny chin chin

Clare Balding's wife loves a fish supperIt is with a heavy heart that I have to criticise todger-dodger Clare Balding for her ‘get your teeth done’ gaffe after last week’s Grand National. It was totally out of character for Clare, it was the first time she’s ever had a foot in her mouth.

Not by the Clare on her chinny chin chin

 

 

Ask not what you can do for your mum, Terry

John Terry's mom is a Scouse sausage jockeyThe one perplexing element about the items she stole is the Pedigree Chum; I’m assuming she was looking for a pregnancy gift for Coleen Rooney.

Ask not what you can do for your mum, Terry

 

 

Jade to make your mouth water

Scousers say goodbye to an angelI don’t know if there is a heaven, but if there is, Jade will be up there with all of the other saintly figures who have sadly passed away. She’ll probably be having a chat with Mother Teresa about how stuck up Gandhi is, or as she’ll probably refer to him, ‘Naandi’.

Jade to make your mouth water

 

 

Get your Fritz out for the lads

Josef Fritzl receives a medal for putting up with two bintsJosef Fritzl is arguably a positive role-model. It takes real dedication to maintain such a long-term relationship.

Get your Fritz out for the lads